


Golden

by nullvoid



Series: Shyan Playlist [5]
Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Watcher Entertainment RPF
Genre: Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Minor Shane Madej/Sara Rubin, Misunderstandings, No Happpy Ending, Not Beta Read, Pining, Song: Golden (Harry Styles), vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:02:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28082097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nullvoid/pseuds/nullvoid
Summary: If Ryan had stopped, had let himself take the easy start to the hard conversation, perhaps things would have gone better.Or, Ryan has a crush and lets it ruin his life.
Relationships: Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej
Series: Shyan Playlist [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1802245
Comments: 5
Kudos: 17
Collections: The Shyan Shipping Society Stories





	Golden

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is a vent fic. I've felt like absolute trash for about a week now and decided to take it out on m'bois. I'm sorry. I'll try to write something a little nicer next time lmao
> 
> Also wow can we talk about how Golden by Harry Styles is just. A good bop for sad times. Thanks Harry.

Ryan wasn't one to keep secrets, but this had been one he was willing to take to his grave. The only problem was that everyone seemed to have figured it out before he could even fathom the concept himself.

_ His eyes slid open, meeting Shane's gaze. A lazy smile split his face. For a brief moment, he was in an alternate dimension. He was waking up to his lover in their bedroom of the house they shared. He grasped onto that feeling, cataloged it for later, then allowed himself to fall back into the person he was for the Unsolved cameras. He was waking up to his best friend and cohost in the abandoned building they had decided to investigate. _

_ "Watching me sleep now? That's a whole new level of creepy, Madej." Shane simply smiled in return, a similar slow grin to match his own. _

_ "Just making sure no ghosties were sneaking up on you."  _

_ Golden sunlight drifted lower, falling across Shane's face. Before he squinted and turned away, Ryan caught the familiar dark irises being illuminated into a beautiful chocolate brown. His heart skipped a beat. _

Sara was perfect for Shane. She was everything he was, inside and out. Beautiful, talented, funny. She loved cats and wasn't allergic to them. She didn't fall for stupid conspiracy theories or believe in stupid shit like ghosts.

_ Ryan stood outside the canteen. He watched Sara fumble over her words, giving nervous giggles as she talked to Shane. Shane was just as awkward, though he hid it more. The stunted sentences, that goofy shy smile. Ryan could see the emotion in his eyes, the deep, wild and unrestrained emotion of a crush. The need to get closer to someone, to learn everything about them. The desperation to have them to yourself, to be the only person left in their world. _

_ He knew what it looked like because it was the only way he had ever looked at Shane. _

Ryan had tried to do anything - to  _ be _ anything other than the fool who fell in love with his best friend. He would date other people, he would go out and party. He would throw himself totally into his work.

_ "Woah, Ry-guy, when was the last time you slept?" Ryan shifted his eyes off his laptop, glancing up at Shane. Shane, with his beautiful eyes, the soft concern, the soothing voice- _

_ "Last night, duh." he studiously forced his eyes back to the screen, taking more notes over possible locations, ignoring the burn of the lie in his throat. _

_ "Okay, that was a lie. Come on, did you stay here all night?" Ryan shook his head dismissively, trying to ignore his friend. Shane's hand came over and closed his laptop, causing something in Ryan to snap. He turned and glared up at Shane. _

_ "Shane, I know you don't know what it's like, but I'm actually incredibly busy so if you could fuck off for a minute-" he cut himself off as he saw Shane's face fall into a careful neutral. "Wait.. No, that-" Shane shook his head, looking away already. _

_ "Yeah. Sorry, I'll uh.. Leave you to it." he sat in his chair next to Ryan, but slid himself to the opposite edge, immediately shoving headphones onto his head. _

Ryan knew he should have reached out. He should have apologized, told him why he had been acting so strange lately. He hadn't, though. He'd let the weird energy sit between them until it was naturally forgotten as they both started in on their projects.

_ Shane didn't talk about his feelings. Ryan was the one who was supposed to break through that, the one who would translate for the big guy when he couldn't get himself to say what needed to be said. _

_ But he wasn't able to anymore. _

_ Ryan was now part of the population that never got to see or hear what Shane was actually thinking. He became like the rest of their friends and their coworkers. He was no longer special. _

_ Sometimes, Ryan thought he saw the way he felt in Shane. When the conversation would dip and the mood would slip, he'd swear he could see a hint of regret, of want, of  _ **_need_ ** _ , in Shane. But they never talked about it. _

_ It wasn't something they could talk about anymore. _

The worst thing about breakups had always been the way people tiptoed around Ryan afterwards, how they treated him as a fragile little boy who couldn't take care of himself. Sympathetic looks, 'casual' check-ins, offers to hang out with it being reiterated roughly a hundred times that he didn't 'have to' come if he 'wasn't up to it'.

The worst part about losing the level of friendship he and Shane had was the way the doting never stopped. Everyone always wanted to talk to Ryan, to get him out and about. It was never who he wanted it to be, though.

_ It had been weeks since he and Shane had hung out. Ryan couldn't stand it. He was at the point where begging felt like the only option. _

_ "Hey, Shane. Wanna go get lunch?" Shane glanced up from his work station. _

_ "No. Busy." he said softly. _

_ "Right, well, maybe we can order something and eat at our desks?" Shane ignored him, continuing to look over whatever had been pulled up on his laptop. Ryan sighed. "Come on, man," he paused, then lowered his voice. "I miss you." Shane stopped what he was doing and looked up at Ryan finally. The two stared at each other for a long moment. _

_ "That's funny," Shane said. "For a moment you seemed like my friend, Ryan." he turned back to his computer. "But he doesn't really speak to me anymore." Ryan clenched his hands and released them a couple of times before letting out a slow breath. _

_ "Can't imagine why." he said coolly. "Couldn't be the fact that you're such an undeniable  _ **_prick_ ** _ all the time-" _

_ "Oh,  _ **_I'm_ ** _ the prick?" _

_ "Yes, Shane! I'm trying to apologize and you-" _

_ "Offering to 'sit next to me' like we're in fucking middle school isn't an  _ **_apology_ ** _ , Bergara." Shane said, staring at him hard. He sighed and shook his head, standing. "You don't even know what you're apologizing for." _

Ryan had known. He knew it wasn't because of what he had said that day in the offices. It was because of what he hadn't said, even with the countless opportunities that he was given.

_ The coffee table at Shane's place was littered with empty beer bottles and take out containers. Both men could blame the events on the alcohol, but Ryan would rather pretend it never happened at all. _

_ The night had started because Shane had called him and simply said "Sara and I broke up," and Ryan felt like it was his way to make up for the shitty way he'd been acting the entire time the two had been together. Some beer, some food, and maybe a crack at a real conversation.  _

_ What he hadn't expected was the way Shane would be looking at him all night. He hadn't expected the way the conversation would flow naturally. He hadn't expected everything to be.. normal. _

_ So he was understandably baffled when it all became very not-normal. _

_ "You know, she had a pretty interesting reason for breaking things off." Shane had said, staring intensely at the bottle he was peeling the label off of. Ryan took a swig and hummed. _

_ "Oh yeah? What's that? Couldn't stand the idea of sharing space with your huge head and eighty-five miles of leg?" Shane shook his head, remaining quiet for a moment. Ryan nudged him encouragingly. Shane took a breath. _

_ "She said you had feelings for me." Ryan choked on another sip of beer, sitting up and pounding his chest. Shane followed his posture, resting a hand on his back and rubbing. "Woah, calm down-" Ryan stood, forcing space between them. _

_ "Calm down? You just-!" he gasped, throat feeling ragged from the abuse. Shane stood too, holding his hands up in an attempt to calm his friend. _

_ "Ryan, seriously, it's not that big of a deal!" he shook his head, looking around wildly for something to stop this train wreck of a conversation. _

_ "Not that big of a-?!" Shane grabbed his face, forcing them to look at each other. _

_ "I like you too!" Ryan froze. The two stared at each other before Ryan pulled himself back. His lips fell into a hard line. He shook his head again and started grabbing his coat and keys. "Ry? Ryan, what are you-" Ryan looked at his friend, all of his usual openness now closed to the world.  _

_ Shane had to be fucking with him. He thought that Ryan’s crush was some bit he could play around with. There was no other explanation. _

_ "This isn't funny, Shane. I don't know where Sara heard that I like you and I don't know why you thought it was okay to say you like me too. I'm not.. I'm not doing this, I'm not okay with this." Shane followed him to the door, where Ryan paused. Shane was quiet, not looking at him. Ryan wanted him to apologize, to reassure Ryan that he had misunderstood. _

_ Instead, he got no resistance as he walked out the door. _

If Ryan had stopped, had let himself take the easy start to the hard conversation, perhaps things would have gone better. Perhaps he wouldn't be here, cleaning out his desk as Shane sat at his, working away. Periodically, coworkers would come up to him and wish him well at his new job. Ryan would simply smile and nod, thanking them halfheartedly.

Finally, all his possessions packed up, Ryan stood by the empty desk. It was a stark contrast to the scene he had gotten so used to. The desk once cluttered with pictures of friends and family, a Kobe bobble head and other Lakers knick-knacks, that cursed face swap of Shane and Ryan, was now just a blank canvas for some other intern to claim.

Shane hadn't moved once the entire time Ryan had been packing, barely shifting as he worked on scripts and video edits. Ryan cleared his throat, causing Shane to glance over at him.

"So, I guess that's everything." Shane looked over the empty desk attached to his and nodded.

"Sure looks like it." Ryan tapped his fingers on the edge of his box, unsure what to say. Shane raised his eyebrows, silently asking if he could get back to work. Ryan sighed and nodded once, picking the box up and holding it against himself. His fingertips dug into it a little harder than necessary.

"I guess, uh.. Thanks. For, you know. Everything, I guess." Shane nodded and gave a polite smile.

"Uh-huh, yeah. It was a joy to work with you." Ryan felt a sharp ache in his chest. The way Shane was speaking to him was exactly like the way he spoke to guests they had had on their shows. He was no longer talking to Ryan like he meant..  _ Anything _ to him. Ryan cleared his throat.

"Goodbye, Shane." Shane nodded and turned back to his computer, giving a dismissive wave over his shoulder.

"Bye, Ryan." 

And that was that. Ryan walked out of the offices for the final time. If he cried on the elevator down, then no one would know. That would be what he could take to his grave.


End file.
